(PP)- Palookaville officials have called for an undercover investigation into the growing and recent subway deaths in an effort to learn who is behind the apparently random attacks.
There have been 108 subway deaths already in the first 23 days of 2013. Circumstances in the incidents vary, but South Palookaville Borough President Scottie “Dog” Spaniel said the rash of deaths from people mysteriously flying onto the tracks deserves a closer look.
“The city is on pace for over 1,500 train related deaths this year – and we only had one last year,” Spaniel said. “At this rate the number of subway murders will move past abortion into the city’s top slot as it’s worst killer.”
Polio, which has had a major comeback as a disease, is currently in second place.
“These accidents have been happening too often and to too many Palookas. The time is now to search for answers,” Spaniel told reporters, including The Palookaville Post’s Ace Cub Reporter Jimmy Olsentwins. “There is something sinister going on here…. probably driven by a radical left wing ideology.”
Palookaville Mayor Terry Malloy has called on the Suburban Transportation Authority inspector general to investigate and come up with “some damn good solutions.”
“We’ve already got a few leads that point to suspects from East Palookaville, and some radical elitists who look down on the poor,” said Spaniel. “An elitist group has been “pushing” to increase the speeds of subway trains. They say it’s just to get places faster, but none of them ever take the subway, so it looks like for some reason they want the trains to be less safe for commuters.”
A group of unhinged leftists known as “Planned Population” who support eradicating the poor either before or after birth, has been rumored to be “pushing” for free subway fares for the poor and downtrodden people of South Palookaville.
“Poor people need an inexpensive way to get out of our fashionable East Side,” said “Planned Population” founder Maggie Stanker. “It is fortunate… I mean unfortunate that some people are pushed… I mean have slipped onto the tracks. The world is a better… I mean a worse place without dishwashers, maids and garbage men.”
“Planned Population” propaganda brochures, which are distributed from the tops of luxury high rise apartments like ticker tape parade confetti, say that the elitist group advocates legislated sterilization of the poor, government paid abortion on demand, and as a last resort, the killing of poor people by public mass transit systems. The group believes that the government should be involved in all aspects of life and death.
“Saving one life, to me, is important and it’s urgent,” Suburban Transportation Committee Chairman John Ryder said. “One of these days we are going to catch one of these rich guys trying to push an old lady in front of a train and when I do… boy oh boy, will he be sorry…. I’ll probably give him a ticket or something bad like that.”
The Palookaville Post has learned that there is currently no law against pushing people in front of trains because nobody was ever evil enough to think of it- much less act on it- before now. Some Democrat lawmakers are calling for a ban on trains because they attack and kill human beings.
Left wing radicals are still the most innovative and creative people in Palookaville who will “push” their progressive agenda on society no matter what negative effects they may cause. Congratulations.
Ace Cub Reporter Jimmy Olsentwins