Academy Awards to Unite the Bonds… Blend Men’s and Women’s Acting Categories Into One

(PP)- Taking their lead from the United States military for the first time since Elvis Presley was drafted by the army, Hollywood insiders are telling reporters at The Palookaville Post that acting categories will not be segregated by gender…. just like soldiers in the armed forces.

Actresses Meryl Streep, Anne Hathaway and Helen Mirren who are all very strong actors in their own right, will now share the same testosterone filled environs as Daniel Day-Lewis, Denzel Washington and Hugh Jackman and compete together to grab one of Hollywood’s favorite paperweights…. an Oscar.

“This is a society tilting steadily toward gender neutrality,” said an assistant for director Quinten Tarantino. “Even though men and women thankfully look different on the outside…. on the inside we’re all the same, and I’ve seen enough of people’s insides when I watch Quinten’s movies to know what guts really look like.”

“It’s not like it’s upper body strength,” morally challenged Gloria Steinem observed of the requirements of acting, and she is someone who has often shown her own upper body.

“I know that Ms. Steinem once tried to act like a decent person and she’s obviously failed, so she knows how difficult it is being a thespian,” said a Steinem assistant. “But to keep Jodie Foster from locking horns with Sean Penn makes no sense just because Sean doesn’t look that good in a halter top.”

The accountants at Price-Waterhouse also thought that reducing the number of categories was a wise move because of the cost cutting benefits. Envelopes cost serious money as well as paper cuts on your tongue.

In other Oscar news, it is also rumored that all six James Bonds – Sean Connery, George Lazenby, Roger Moore, Timothy Dalton, Pierce Brosnan and Daniel Craig – will appear together for the first time ever at the ceremony to mark the movie franchise’s 50 years.

The appearance by the six actors filled Bond aficionados with great excitement, but some other less fortunate actors who shared the same on screen roles, specifically – the Dicks who were in Bewitched, and the Reeves who were in Superman- were upset at not being invited, and may boycott the awards ceremony which should not be a problem since they were not invited in the first place because they are all dead.

The Palookaville Post has learned nothing about anything during the writing of this article except that the 85th Academy Awards take place on February 24th.

The Paperboy